Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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