Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
