How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
