I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
