So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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