he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Can you bring me the toilet please
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
