the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We left the knife in your bed.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
This couple is walking their pig around campus
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
