You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
