I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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