i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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