Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
