you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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