i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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