i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
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