You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
