i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
