I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
