My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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