So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
