I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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