So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
