Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
