does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I am spending my child support on dildos
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
