A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
