Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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