Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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