I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
