He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
