Little spoons don't ask big questions
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
