a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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