you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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