We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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