I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
