my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
