I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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