Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
