I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
