when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
