You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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