I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
