Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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