I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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