if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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