My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
