If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
