I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
it's great music for shaving your balls
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
