...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
