My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
