shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
