fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
my sisters under your porch take her home
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
